Sgrios Mass: Death of Self
How many deaths will befall me throughout the course of
my life? I mean not those physical deaths at the hands of enraged and
powerful beasts, but of the deaths of self; those moments in which we
feel a piece of ourselves shatter and fall away? I speak not of how my
mood might shift in the hours between breaking my fast and retiring to
my chamber for sleep, but rather the pivotal breaks in our personality
where something within us is completely and oftentimes painfully
abandoned.
All of us here have experienced at least one death of
self; as we walk these enlightened paths, it is important to remember
that we all started our lives as mundanes. When we sparked to our new
lives, one by one we drop the trappings of our humble existence and
replace hay fork with sword, our blistered hands reach for wands instead
of hoes. There is no grieving for the old self, very few of us, when we
discover our sparks, even remember the days we spent toiling in the
field. We feel no loss.
It is sometimes helpful to think of bodies as host to
the creatures of the self. Within us exists a complicated ecosystem of
personalities all working in unison with -- or working against -- the
others who dwell there. Along the journey of our lives we will take on
fresh passengers and others will leave when you turn a direction they no
longer seek to travel. Oftentimes we absorb personalities from the
people we are close to, our partners and our friends.
So what do we do when it comes time to kill a part of
ourselves? When darkness grips our lives and commands our daily moods,
it can be difficult to overcome the weight of our weakness. Still, it
must be destroyed, yet we often spend such lengthy periods feeling
depressed that it feels a betrayal of one’s true self to seek happiness.
This can be a dangerous seduction.
I am hardly a young woman anymore; age has had it’s way
with my body. I am not as spry as I once was, and perhaps my hair has
lost some of it’s golden lustre to silver. I have lived, though, and
continue even now to do so. In my time as an Aisling, a short
twenty-nine deochs, I have felt the complete death of self four times.
The first came when I sparked as an Aisling; the second reincarnation
came when I lost my first love and took the title of Paramour. The third
and most important was finding myself in Sgrios and dedicating myself
wholly to Him. Even recently I have been reborn through passion and have
seen my flickering spark burn, once more, as a raging fire.
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